4NAIJA: 11 Things Not to Do When You Share a Bed With Someone

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Thursday, 30 July 2015

11 Things Not to Do When You Share a Bed With Someone



1. Don't be the thief of sheets. Everyone has stolen all the covers involuntarily in the night before, but once you realize you've done it, give them back. Plus, it's pretty cute to cover up your partner with stolen covers when they're sleeping. It's like a non-verbal "I'm sorry."


2. Stop snoring like a train is barreling through your nose. I know snoring is involuntary, but there's nothing worse than sitting there hating your partner for snoring and wanting to love them but also the snoring. Talk to your doctor about ways you could manage it so you don't have some dumb fight at 3 a.m. for something that doesn't really matter (except that it totally does). Or wear a Breathe Right strip. Or just tell them to shove you if you start snoring.

3. If you know you drool, keep your puddle beside you at all times like a small child in a grocery store. No one wants to wake up next to a pile of spit cascading down their back like a waterfall because you're cuddling her and can't help it. Plus, at least if you made your little puddle over there and it's not touching me, we cool.

4. Avoid the temptation to slowly starfish out onto the whole mattress when they get up to go to the bathroom. You get one side and taking on anything more than that, intentional or not, makes you kind of the worst. Plus, we can tell when you're inching.

5. If you can't sleep and your partner's already out cold, GTFO of that bed and go wrestle it out in the other room. There's nothing worse than sleeping with someone who is having a hard time falling asleep. Because on the one hand, you care about them and hate that they're struggling, and on the other hand, you have to be up at 7 a.m. and do not have time for this, Joel.

6. Don't bake or freeze each other. If one of you is always hot and one of you is always cold, one of you shouldn't have to suffer. If he's always hot, have him wear less clothing to bed and you wear pajamas, or vice versa. Or just have separate covers. Wow. I think I just uncovered something huge here.

7. We all know you're farting in there, so just be chill about it. Because no, it is not hilarious to do it right in their face or pull the covers over your heads to "lock in the scent."

8. Wash your damn sheets. If you're having sex on these sheets regularly and getting sweaty at night and also you're a person who gets gross when they sleep because everyone does, you should be washing your sheets every few weeks, no matter what. If not for you, do it for the person who deserves something better than sleeping on a grimy bed.

9. If you made the wet spot, you sleep on the wet spot. I hate that I even have to say this but if there's a post-sex wet spot and it's all on you, it should continue to be all on you as you sleep through the night covering it up like a human paper towel.

10. For the love of god, brush off your sheets. I eat in bed, we all eat in bed (We do all eat in bed, right? Oh well.) but clean up any crumbs or spills or weirdness if you know someone's coming over later. It should be too gross for you to sleep in your own filth, but since it's probably not, remember that it's definitely too gross for them to sleep in it because it absolutely is.

11. If they're not super cuddly, don't take it personally. Some people don't like to cuddle every single night, but it doesn't mean they don't want to be close to you. It might actually just mean they want to have free use of their arms in the morning without having to go through 12 minutes of tingly, thawing hell.

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